Beatles frontman John Lennon was found dead today at his home in New York City.

“We woke up and went to breakfast, and then I parted from John and went out to shop, picked up dry cleaning, and prostituted myself,” said Yoko Ono, the late Beatle’s life-mate.

“It was just a normal day, but when I return to the apartment, I found Johnny on the floor and he was pale and cold. It is a very sad day for Beatles fans and Japanese women all around the world.”

Lennon retired from the music industry entirely in 1980, when he mysteriously disappeared. In 1991, Lennon suddenly returned to his wife and two boys, Sean and Julian. In a 1992 interview with the Eastern Review, which was then Roma Weekly, Lennon claimed, “I was just sick of the world, you know? I was working off a long and tiresome twenty some odd years of music, fame, drugs, and genitals. So, what’s a Lennon supposed to do?” he said.

While in Milton, Lennon began to refer to himself as simply “Lennon,” and he claims to not have used a personal pronoun for a good part of the 1980s.

“[Pronouns] are overrated. Why refer to Lennon as anything other than Lennon? In fact, there was a time where I was referring to all people in my life as Lennon, but I eventually felt my thunder was being stolen.”

Lennon went into hiding from everyone in his life, including the three Beatles and his children.

“I didn’t speak to Yoko for five months, but I contacted her once a week until I returned home after that. I just missed her presence. Usually I’d just call her and neither of us would speak. In 1984, we spent the whole Autumn on the phone, speaking only six words total.” These six words, which still have not been released to the public, are the supposed inspiration for Lennon’s comeback album in the early nineties, titled “Lennon 3001,” which fared well at Finnish dance clubs but was unreleased in the United States and the United Kingdom.

A strange period in Lennon’s life was his Lost Weekend, during which he caved in to his greatest weakness – Elton John.

“When I arrived on Elton’s doorstep, he dragged me into his home, ripped off his pants, and flashed me a peak at his vagina. It was one of the most emotional moments of my life.”

Lennon eventually moved back to his home in Manhattan.

“More words were spoken during the autumn of 1984 between Yoko and me than between my return and the new millennium. We just know each other that well. She even calls me Lennon.”

The Beatles reunited only once before Lennon’s death, during their live 2001 performance. Ringo Starr, drummer, refused to perform any Beatles music, so it was predominantly a concert of covers. However, George Harrison did perform a version of the classic Beatles song “Pinball Wizard.”

Though the details of Lennon’s death still remain a mystery, it is suspected that he overdosed on a combination of Quaaludes, acid rain, and diesel gasoline. He was 67.